


Dear Evan Hansen Characters as things my friends have said lol I’m unoriginal

by Treebros_Intensifies



Series: Dumb Crap [2]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: (Like three or something idk), A few suicide jokes, Dick and ass jokes galore, Gen, No one is heterosexual, Swearing, also cum jokes., crude humour, i dunno
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-10-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:35:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25902922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Treebros_Intensifies/pseuds/Treebros_Intensifies
Summary: Like the incorrect quotes, the title is self-explanatory.
Relationships: Alana Beck & Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman & Connor Murphy & Zoe Murphy, Miguel (Dear Evan Hansen) & Connor Murphy
Series: Dumb Crap [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1879825
Comments: 4
Kudos: 19





	1. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Evan: I CANT BE SERIOUS FOR SHIT BECAUSE MY ANXIETY IS ALWAYS LIKE "haha make everything funny" because I cAN’T HANDLE FEELINGS BUT I MADE IT AWKWARD 

Evan: I’m about to throw my phone and then myself across the room

Evan: Bdsbs I’M A DUMBASS

Evan: THATS IT I‘M DONE THEY’RE NEVER GONNA WANT TO TALK TO ME AGAIN

Evan: ahahahshahsh I’m a literal idiot I apologized for apologizing

Evan: and then I apologized for apologizing for apologizing

Evan: dbwjfjdbddb

Jared: Let me guess. You spent five minutes on the floor in fetal position rethinking your entire life.

Connor: Edgy ghost: b o o.

Jared: # cancelbabies2020

Jared: Yeah maybe I shouldn’t shove my limbs in random holes. 

Zoe: It’s a cookie you horny pieces of shit.

Jared/Connor/Miguel: I swallow my sadness almost as well as I swallow cum.

Evan/Connor/Zoe: My anxiety 😰 may be chronic ⏰ but my ass 🍑 is iconic 🤩

Zoe: You don’t have to say sorry for everything

Evan: GJJFKKFFJ SORRY

Evan: I mean, my apologies. 

Jared: DON’T EAT COUCHES THEY HAVE A VERY LOW NUT VALUE 

Miguel/Jared: LET ME IMPALE YOU WITH MY PENIS LATER

Connor/Zoe/Evan: am i straight?

Connor/Zoe/Evan: no.

Connor/Zoe/Evan: but am i going to tell everyone that i am?

Connor/Zoe/Evan: absolutely, but only half the time.

Jared: sexing is my favourite activity 

Jared: *whispering* do i fit in with the fam hippity hoppity kidz now?

Jared: no??  
f u c k .

Jared: It's 5:30 and the sun is out n brighter than God’s shining asshole.

Connor @ Zoe/Alana: Wow lmfao you really are a helpless lesbian.

Jared: We could put these seatbelts to good use~

Zoe/Alana/Evan: LIKE STAYING SAFE AND OBEYING THE TRAFFIC LAWS PRAISE THE LORD AMEN.


	2. AGHFHJVGHJGFHGCMJHVKJDHJTSJGCJKHVGFJHTDJUYDJMDKA

Jared: WE WILL DEEP-FRY YOUR KEBAB.

Jared: _THIS IS A THREAT._

Connor: I do suck

Connor: But not in a way that makes me suck

Connor: Because even though I suck, I don’t suck.

Miguel/Jared: That was inspirational.

Zoe: Connor

Zoe: Connor, I’m pregnant.

Connor: Cool, how much are you getting for child support?

Jared: What’s the word when you jump around with fifty grapes in your mouth?

Evan: MmmmMmMMMMMm. inHALE THE TASTE OF NATURE

(This is Connor x Jared OR Miguel x Connor)

Connor/Miguel: So I just obliterated my family in Monopoly 

Jared/Connor: liKE I OBLITERATED YOUR ASS

Connor/Miguel: Who tops again?

Jared/Connor: oH FUCK YOU.

Connor/Miguel: I mean, supposedly, you just did.

Connor/Zoe/Miguel: HELLO? SOME OF US NEED TO PEE!

Jared: I’m drowning a cat in the toilet!

Connor/Zoe/Miguel: Take your time, honey.

Jared: Bubbles, I tell ya.

Miguel/Connor: Elizen--shakes--beth-ian

Connor/Miguel: Get it in!!! get. it. in!! ow! owowowow okay get it out now OW gEt IT OuT!!

Zoe @ Miguel: hey. fuck connor senseless

Zoe: ...

Zoe: I don’t know why I said that.

Evan/Zoe: you cant make a whole human

Jared/Connor: yeAH YOU CAN! IT'S CALLED—

Evan/Zoe: NoOooOoOOooOO

(This could be literally or Treebros because Connor is tall. Like a tree) 

Evan: i drank drugs today so of course i would fuck a tree

Miguel/Evan/Jared: I WILL CONTINUE TO SUCK CONNOR’S DICK—

Jared: Hearing your brother talk dirty on the phone and walking in on your sister having lesbian sex is...SIBLING GOALS.

Connor/Miguel: Sanity and Insanity are just guidelines created by our minds in order to help us judge between what's 'right' and 'wrong'. Reality, too, is just a construct that was created by our minds that keeps us within the boundaries of sanity. In short, there is no such thing as 'sanity' or 'insanity', furthermore proving that we are in a simulation. Because when you really think about it, what someone sees as 'right' might be seen as 'wrong' in your own eyes, this alone proves my already far fetched 'theory' of how reality is just a construct. Reality can often be associated with what? Sanity. The world we see. The opposite would be insanity, or the world we don't see, the world that is thought to believed to be 'bad' in our eyes. But what if both worlds were equal? Like not just similar in physical properties, I'm talking about everything. The way people think, the way they act, everything. Somewhat like a mirror, a carbon copy of our world. What else lets you create copies of them? Files. Game files to be exact. Where everything is exactly the same as the original copy, down to the last pixel. In conclusion, by proving that sanity and insanity are merely illusions, we can prove that we are living in a simulation.

Connor/Miguel: ... I should be asleep right now.


	3. ANO T H ER O NE

Evan: Yeah I got that WAP

Evan: Worst 

Evan: Anxiety

Evan: Possible

Jared: if your man likes fingers in his ass, likes big fingers in his ass, likes it in his ass, likes it till his butthole goes numb

Jared: that's not your man, that's kanye west.

Connor: Dudes, dudettes, and dodon’ts

Miguel: I don’t suck dick when I’m hungry >:'0

Connor: WHO NEEDS LEGS WITH LEGS LIKE THESE

Jared: Yum yum millions of unborn babies on toast

Connor: id DEADass suck the grim reapers dick if it meant that id die sooner

Jared/Miguel/Zoe/Connor: If both Tom Holland and Tom Hollander exist, this implies that there is a Tom Hollandest somewhere out there

Connor/Zoe/Evan: Relationship advice: don’t.

Connor: Be nice, be gay, and disappoint your siblings.

Zoe/Jared: Yeah I'm smiling 

Zoe/Jared: But deep down inside I'm W E T R I C E

Evan/Jared/Zoe: My mother just asked me "are you channeling your inner gamer today?" And it's now my favorite question I've ever been asked.

Jared/Miguel/Zoe: mentally im participating in leech trafficking but physically im on the ground laying in a puddle of my own bodily fluids

Literally anyone: i apologize dear, but it seems like your anus has a case of homosexuality. i diagnose you with homosexuanus, also known as "gay ass"

Miguel: HRRNGH!!!!1!iM!!GaY!!1!1¹ 😳❤💖🖤💚💜😍😗

Connor: My aesthetic: Semi-punk stoner idiot bitch boy but with an English major

Connor/Miguel: I mean you digest it anyway so I guess digesting Jesus is okay??

Jared: isnt that literally vore


	4. Only two quotes for now (I say as I keep adding more)

Connor/Miguel, talking about some model they saw: If the mustache wasnt there my dick would be so far up his ass that he would have changed his controversial view on political rights then and there

Connor: I'm ✨ _bi_ ✨  
Connor: I have a samsung _and_ I use airpods

Jared/Miguel/Connor(?): I mean tbh guys literally got the nut button in their ass so if he wants sum fuc in the ass I'll give it lmaoo

Connor: I crave death.  
Connor: but more importantly, I crave Doritos.  
Zoe/Evan: Mm Doritos.  
Zoe/Evan: Do you think death likes Doritos?  
Zoe/Evan: If so, what kind?  
Connor: the ones that taste like  
Connor: uh.  
Connor: Doritos.

Evan/Jared: That moment when the only thing you’re fucking is stupid.

Connor: nah ofc im gonna take out that orange trumpet before i take myself out tf you think i am 

Connor/Evan/Zoe: Dude what the fuck is wrong with Christians Connor/Evan/Zoe: Like 

Connor/Evan/Zoe: They always wanna talk about Connor/Evan/Zoe: "Living the life of Jesus Christ" 

Connor/Evan/Zoe: But when I tell them that I also wanna get nailed against a piece of wood by Mediterranean men they tell me that I'm going to hell???? 

Connor/Evan/Zoe: Like wtf that's living the life of Jesus Idk what else they want from me 😌✨

Connor: WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR DINNER?  
Evan/Miguel/Zoe: RAMEN  
Connor: NO  
Evan/Miguel/Zoe: WHY  
Connor: WE HAD THAT TWICE IN A ROW YOU BROKE BITCH

Jared: uuHGHHh oh mY GOD, CONNOR, PLEASE—  
Zoe: _JARED!_  
Zoe: JUST SHUT UP, I AM _BEGGING_ YOU  
Connor: oh lord have mercy on my soul.  
Zoe: You fucked Kleinman twice, I think the lord has run out of mercy.  
Connor: br u h.

Jared/Zoe: fuck you and the big horse your tall ass rode in on you overgrown emo phase fucklord

Connor: Watch my transformation from a modest straight boy  
Connor, pressing start on a powerpoint presentation: To a fucking insane raging bisexual who doesn’t like pronouns and would like to eat capitalism.

Jared: IM LACK TOES IN TALLER ANT WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME

Evan/Connor: i've got eye bags heavier than our collective emotional burden

Miguel/Connor/Jared: a naked man in nothing but a bow tie sounds kinda hot actually ngl ngl  
Zoe: “ngl ngl”  
Miguel/Connor/Jared: did I fucking stutter.

Connor/Evan/Zoe: I hate American n I hate white ppl 🤦  
Connor/Evan/Zoe: I'm a white American n I hate myself too LMAOAOAOAOAOAO

Evan/Connor/Jared: panic but smaller

Connor/Evan: NO BITCH STOP TELLING ME TO. GO TO A $45,000 COLLEGE FUCK YOU I'M GONNA HOP OFF THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE FOR FREE


End file.
